Fear

Creative Writing Class Rough Draft- Fear

I can't recall the day I met IT but I have vivid memories of where it came from. I would not call IT a friend but rather and intruder who has stalked me my entire life.

I remember hearing my mother take the beatings. The sounds of her boyfriend's fist hitting her. My mother's loud cries echoed down the hall as my bother and I stood by helplessly. Household goods, family dreams, my mother's body- all shattered. I wondered why she would stay? Was this the way love was? Did love have to hurt?

Eventually my mother left him and we moved on with our lives. IT, however, the intruder, remains with me and I am sure my mother as well to this day. IT has no face but seems to be there like an old trusty friend. I call IT fear.

I live for the day fear and I have no relationship. For then I will truly know what it is like to be free.

Marianne Williamson Quote

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Sweet Georgia Sunshine....

What a long stressful weekend! I had to take an hour out of my weekend to take a little time for me. Between finals and final papers and work stuff, it has been overwhelming but I am finally seeing the end in sight.

I am little stressed out because it turns out I have 2 classes left as well as a final capstone course. What sucks is the classes I want to take are being offered in the summer and the capstone which is the final class is now not being offered until the following semester. Ugh. I so want to be done already. Hopefully a miracle will come along because I have no idea how I am going to pay for summer classes.

In other news, when I did step away from the computer a bit ago, I went outside and did what I have been meaning to do for a year now, I planted my herb garden and other plants and flowers, cleaned off the porch and created a garden on the porch. Then I sealed it with a prayer because I am not sure about my green thumb.

YAY for productivity! Off to finish my paper.

Story of Your Bones

Today, I woke up singing this song:


It's been two long months since I took a good look in the mirror
And in that time I find these lines on my face have gotten clearer
It's time I reintroduced myself to the world
Show them what I'm all about
Even if it's just so they can chew me up, turn their heads, and spit me out.

These bones in my face are from my mother
These lips I use are from my father
And the nose that rests above them is from another man
Somewhere who didn't even bother
I wonder what would he say
If he knew I got up here and rambled on this way
Would he then be proud and make it known
That he was part of me and I was one of his own

It's been five long weeks since I've been able to kiss your face
And that always makes me question if this bullshit is worth it in the first place
'Cause I have to know the story of your bones
And I long to rove the map of your skin
And I'm tired of us both feeling loved yet aloneI want to feel where you've hurt

I want to taste where you've been
But what will they say
Will they still come and hear me when they know I love you this way
As I read you with my mouth and my finger tips

Like berries you color my hands, like wine you stain lips

It's been two long months since I took a good look in the mirror.

Speaking of Change

I have been doing so well with this dieting and exercise thing. I suppose there is something to be said about reaching a breaking point and then going all out to make it happen.

Yesterday, treadmill and then palates.

This morning, up at 5:15 a.m. to make it to the gym for a strengthening class at 6 a.m. Got a full hour of workout in before work.

Tonight, the pool and hot tub to relax.

One step at a time.

It is not about perfection.

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” Anna Quindlen

Onward I go…….

What I Cannot Change

On the way into to work this morning, I was listening to my Ipod when I was reminded how much I enjoy the message this song has:

"What I Cannot Change" LeAnn Rhimes

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes

Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot changeI will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflictedI know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself

Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Buying Into Society's Standards

I have spent the last few days really trying to reflect on what is important to me, where I am, where I want to go and what I am doing. Most of it is still a mystery. What I did realize, however, is that more and more I am doing things to fit the mold that society thinks I should fit into. Then I have to ask myself why I am buying into the "American dream?" For instance, all my life I thought that I had to grow up and get a job, purchase a house, pay taxes and die. While most of that is true as I have to work to live, the tax man comes whether I want to pay him or not and eventually, while not soon I hope, I will die.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and for the most part, I love my life but I am really trying to get a grip on everything this year. Last year, I was lucky enough to be able to purchase a home that I love. It is a lovely ranch style home that is brick. It boasts 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, a lovely sunroom, a nice fenced in backyard, hardwood floors, french doors, etc. Sounds lovely, right?
Recently though, I have been realizing what a waste this big house is. I rarely use what is suppose to be the office, the room that is suppose to be a guest room rarely gets slept in, the sunroom looks out into a a lovely yard that only reminds me of the never-ending to do list which awaits me in the yard.

This possession that I was told I should have, along with other items, which should bring me joy and comfort really are only there to remind me of how much it costs to maintain, how in 30 years I may own piece of the American dream, the rooms which must be filled, etc.

I ask, at the end of the day is it really all worth it? Wouldn’t I be just as happy elsewhere without all the worry of the to do list or the stuff- free of clutter and debt? Is it true that less is more?

Just something I have been pondering......

Law School Update

Saturday, I received the final decision from Georgia State University’s School of Law. At this time, they will not be granting me admission to their program. This was the last decision I was waiting on. At first, I was a little shook up and saddened by there response. My initial reaction was I give so much to the legal community and want to be able to give more but how can I continue to do that without a law degree? I was pondering all weekend and then realized that perhaps this is not my time to go to law school.

Lately, I have been feeling a little overwhelmed with everything going on and really trying to refocus my time and energy on the one that needs it the most- me! So, I have decided that I am going to look at this as a blessing and keep moving forward.

I am going to continue to work on my health- getting in shape and losing weight. Saturday I did a 5k in the rain and cold and it was wonderful even though I thought I would hate it. I also went to the gym yesterday and worked out. I am eating healthier foods and being conscious of what I am eating. There are others things I want to do for my well-being including yoga and meditation classes so I am going to look into those.

This year will be my year to finish my masters degree. Perhaps grow my mediation business part-time, hopefully teach a little more since I love it and take a little more time for me. If it does not make me happy, I am not going to do it. I am going to learn to say no when I really do not want to take on a project or a task.

A work in progress,

Michael

Good Morning

I use to have a blog but I lost the site and the log in information. I was reminded today how much I miss it. Therefore, welcome to the new blog.

With love,

Michael